If somebody has invited me to take the ice bucket challenge, I don’t know about it.

And please don’t consider this a desperate plea to be invited to the party. For if you do invite me, I’m not going to do it. And as for the “fine” of 100 clams to the chosen charity. Well, put me in jail. I’m not paying it. 

Well, maybe I will. But if I do, it will be done without Facebook fanfare. 

The ice bucket challenge hit a fever pitch on Facebook last Thursday evening. One after another, I had to click on “I don’t want to see this” in order to keep those ridiculous videos from playing over and over and over and over and over while using up my allotted band width. 

This is the fad of ‘14. The ice bucket challenge is to this year what college campus streaking was to 1974 (I’m giving away my age.)

These fads come and go and mostly go. So by the time you read this, it’s probably old news and we’re already on to something else and talking about the good old days back in mid-August when we were all doing the ice bucket challenge.

As I understand it, the ice bucket challenge goes like this. Someone is videoed while being doused with a bucket of ice water. While doing so, the person proclaims to the world that he or she has nobly made a donation and challenges one or more friends to do the same within 24 hours. I understand that according to the rules of decorum, undergoing the ice cold torture gets you out of making a more sizeable donation. 

If a challenged person refuses to dump ice cold water over his entire body (that would be me) said person must make a ten fold charitable donation (that won’t be me). I understand the going rate for not shocking your system while going viral is $100.

While we’re at it, I’m also not a candidate for the Eat Ten Pickled Hard Boiled Eggs Challenge, the Watch Seven Consecutive Episodes of The Brady Bunch Challenge, and the Go To Wrigley Field And Sit With 30,000 Trendy Conformists The Likes Of Whom Do The Ice Bucket Challenge Challenge. 

Sorry, folks. There are zillions and zillions of charitable causes out there. My church wants money. Local school support groups want money. Worldwide relief organizations want money. Wonderful associations which are combatting deadly diseases want money. The committee to keep one candidate or another out of office wants money. My college alma mater wants money. If my kids have anything to do with it my epitaph will be my mantra: “Every day is palm Sunday!” Get it?

Do I give? Generously? Only the I.R.S. knows for sure. Chances are, you don’t know. It’s none of your business. Nor is it the business of the Facebook world.

Hint: My donations are generally not solicited. The more I’m asked, the less I give. As for the amount of my donation to the ALS Foundation…and every other charity? Well, I guess I’m not a good Facebook sport when it comes to broadcasting my private life to readers I would hope have better things to do with their time.

Yeah, yeah. It’s funny. And each of you think yours is the absolute funniest. And some of you have gotten very creative. Have your fun.

As for this ice bucket challenge. Even a self-admitted curmudgeon like myself would take you up on it if you twist the rules just a bit. Throw in a lawn chair and a ball game on the radio…and impale a few brown bottles into that bucket of ice water.

Now I’m in!