After spending what had to rank up there among my life’s more miserable experiences, I read with interest the plight of an elephant named Nosey.

Nosey, according to June 25 issue of The (Kankakee) Daily Journal, is an elephant who was slated to be one of the attractions at the recent Bourbonnais Friendship Festival.

Two weeks ago, I found out the hard way why I generally avoid this event which yields to me absolutely no connotation of friendship. Crowds, congestion, lack of parking, and way over-priced greasy french fries are not generally what I regard as key ingredients of friendship. Nosey would’ve been a welcomed respite during my three-hour visit on that evening which seemed like eternal damnation.

But the animal rights activists who pressured Nosey off the grounds and back into restrictive confines of her travel trailer didn’t lift a finger to save me. Animal rights trumped my own human suffering.

Why was I even at this enmity festival? Well, my daughter was participating in its disorganized teenage singing competition. The things we do out of love!

The competition is vaguely patterned after the TV reality contests where singers are removed, one by one, week by week. But to sucker us parents into returning again, they didn’t eliminate any singers the first night. 

Oh, to be Nosey and be banned from this convolution of humanity, I thought to myself.

As it turns out, the elephant’s exit from the Friendship Festival was brought about by chickens.

According to the Journal’s report, these chickens started cackling about Nosey on Facebook. 

Social media is the perfect medium for chickens who are too chicken to go completely public. Instead of taking on an issue face-to-face, the Facebook chickens start cackling and generating support from their fellow chickens. Soon, we have a whole coop of them squawking.

Unfortunately, people who make public decisions have a fear of these chickens.

The chickens in charge pulled Nosey from the festival out of fear of the chickens on Facebook.

According to the Journal story, Bourbonnais mayor Paul Schore asked that Nosey the elephant be withdrawn from the Friendship Festival in order to keep things calm.

Again, why didn’t he save me, too?

As I waited for my daughter’s show to begin, I was held captive by a dance studio which, unlike the singers in the competition, didn’t have any time limits…after the obligatory late start.

Finally, the competition started…once they got the chintzy sound system to work. That was another delay.

Had Nosey the elephant been on the grounds, I would’ve been one of her visitors.

I suppose I’ll hear it from the PETA people soon. But they’ll probably keep their distance once they learn that my cats still have their claws.

And by the way, PETA. When are you ever going to do something about these so called cat lovers?

You chickens squawk and squawk about an elephant which is passing through town. But you never say a word about cat lovers.

I’ve been around cats all my life, and I know that cats like to do two things: (1) claw; and (2) carouse and yowl and sire more cats.

But cat lovers deny those privileges. How? Cat lovers take their cats to the veterinarians who unmercifully pull out their claws and cut off their watchamacallits.

And PETA is nowhere to be found. They’re too busy picketing elephant displays.

This must be because chickens are afraid of cats.

By the way, I wonder if the PETA chickens liberated those carnival goldfish in-a-bag, too.

My red meat diet will probably chop a few years off my life and that’s probably a good thing. I’d hate to still be kicking on the eventual day when pure beef hamburgers – a product of animals who are not blessed with opposable thumbs like us – are outlawed by the chickens.

At least there won’t be an egg shortage.