I had a dream last night about...
Well, I didn’t really dream this. It’s all make believe. I better establish that point so the Republican candidates don’t start calling me a liar.
But if I did indeed have this dream, it would go something like this.
The presidential candidates would all gather on stage together. All of them – Democrats and Republicans.
The purpose of this debate would be for them to discuss their views on this upcoming weekend’s dreaded time change.
To bring you all up to speed, early Sunday morning Americans will lose an hour as we “spring ahead” into Daylight Saving Time.
On Sunday morning, what used to be 7 o’clock will now be 8 o’clock.
The same will hold true on Monday morning when the alarm clock will sound one hour early when it’s time to get up for work. That means we will once again be getting up in total darkness, as was the case in the dead of winter when there was not as much daylight to go around.
On Sunday evening, that sunset which has been taking place around 6 o’clock will now go down around 7 o’clock.
Contrary to the name Daylight Saving Time, we are not saving any daylight. We are simply pushing it around and losing an hour in the process.
Not all that many years ago, the drudgery of returning to Daylight Saving Time took place in April. DST was then shifted ahead to the fourth Sunday of March.
About 10 years ago, the annual rite of stripping an hour out of our lives was fast-forwarded earlier into late winter.
And here we go again. Daylight Saving (not Savings as it is commonly called) Time begins this weekend.
The Republicans are talking about the sizes of hands and other body parts. The Democrats are talking about how much money is coming from people who have a lot of money.
But no one is talking about losing an hour on Sunday. The topic is reserved for the bipartisan debate which takes place in my dream.
So here are the candidates addressing a question on what each, as president, would do about Sunday’s time change.
Bernie Sanders: This time change caters to the evil forces on Wall Street who support my opponent. It’s all about money. If we lose an hour, that’s one hour of hourly wages Wall Street does not have to pay out. And the money they save will be funneled to my opponent. Elect me and every American will be paid a ’uge stipend for that hour of lost wages...or that one hour delay in delivering free tuition vouchers.
Donald Trump: As I have mentioned, I am going to build a wall and Mexico is going to pay for it. And this wall will be a nice-looking wall and it will be built during that lost hour. And when that wall goes up we’re going to tell Mexico and the rest of the world what time it really is because I will be a leader and I know how to lead.
Marco Rubio: I think we need to lose not just one hour, but maybe an entire week. The American people deserve some time off from listening to you, Donald. And don’t start waving your little hands at me.
Ted Cruz: If Donald Trump gets the nomination, he will lose to Hillary Clinton and she will be the one who tells the American people what time it is. I am the only candidate who can prevent Hillary from getting her hands on your alarm clock and determining what time you get up in the morning.
Hillary Clinton: Listening to the Republicans bickering amongst themselves, I will make sure the time of day is good for the people. If you’re African American or Hispanic or LGBT or anything else besides a white middle class male, the time will be right for YOU.
John Kasich: Having thoroughly studied the impacts of the time change on our health, environment and economy, I am proposing...
(Unfortunately for Mr. Kasich, the remainder of his rational, direct answer to this question on Sunday’s time change was aired during the lost hour.)